Monthly Archives: June 2005
On the table there’s an open book
On the page there’s a detailed drawing
And on the drawing is the name I took
i would have never thought of that, relating me to you. not because i dont try, because i do. i know im not easy to get along with, and i must seem like a grumpy old bastard most of the time. but i try. i think im a little more relaxed now that ive got some things worked out in my head. ive realized that most of the things i used to get uptight about were only because of my own insecurities. now that i know its ok to take time for myself when i need it and just walk away from everything. it not easy to sleep alone every night, but you already know that all too well as i do. if i can wish something in common for both of us, its that we could each find someone to fill in the spaces inside and be happy with.
but im getting off the track. thank you for what you said is all i really came here for. thanks. but remember that everything you said to me can be reflected back and shines from you also.
What do I hold in my hand?
Blade or flower?
The pain in my head
Worse with every hour.
What’s that noise?
I hear something coming on the wind.
The sound of a different drum.
I have been, uninspired. but tonite i was walking home late and something just struck me out of the blue. i just seemed to realize how strange the world has become compared to what it used to be.
My father was born in 1922. He could remember being taken to school in a horse and cart. my how technology has changed the world. i work with computers every day. i doubt that back in 1997, the year my dad died, he would have even known what a computer was, or how to even turn one on. i feel like a link to the past. like an imposter in the technological world. my children find the idea of record players and only 3 channels on the tv foreign concepts, and that was really not that long ago. Personally i like computers and listening to music on mine, watching movies and every thing that has come with it. but, sometimes, late at night, like tonite, walking home, i somehow wish i was riding home in a horse drawn carriage, like my father did, so many years ago. when the world was simple, and a man knew his place and worth, by the work of his hands, and the stars and moonlight to guide him home at night.
Who kicked a hole in the sky so the heavens would cry over me?
Who stole the soul from the sun in a world come undone at the seams?
Let there be love – Let there be love
I hope the weather is calm as you sail up your heavenly stream
Suspended clear in the sky are the words that we sing in our dreams
Let there be love – Let there be love – Let there be love – Let there be love
Come on baby blue
Shake up your tired eyes
The world is waiting for you
May all your dreaming fill the empty sky
But if it makes you happy
Keep on clapping
Just remember I’ll be by your side
And if you only go, it’s gonna pass you by
from the best band in the world. isnt that beautiful
how did you know i needed a hug?
tried to sleep. could not. ive had something on my mind and its been there for a long time. and i want to get rid of it. i feel like ive done something wrong, thou im not sure if i did or not. i wont use any names of people or places, and i figure if i do it this way, then i wont screw it up like i probably would saying it out loud.
about a year ago now, i walked into a building, and as i was walking thru, i looked sideways and there was a person staring at me. and they smiled. and my stomach did a flipflop and i just kept going. im not sure if this is coming out right even here but bare with me im doing the best i can.
yes, i found this person attractive. and once in a while this person, im tired of writing "this person" all the time. lets use the letter x. once in a while x would come around and talk to me. no big deal. i got a crush on x. i didnt tell anyone and i never planned to. then i found out that x knew someone that knew me also. so how do you turn it off. wheres the button? i dont know. but like i said i never did anything about this and i never intended to.
anyway turned out that person that knew me and x became a pretty good friend. and still acts the same way to me. even thou they know i had a crush on x. any way im getting ahead of myself.
so i would see x once in awhile in passing and then something happened where i would see x everyday on a regular basis. and i had no choice and no way out of it. and x started to talk to me a lot more. and x told me a couple things that she didn’t have to me being almost a stranger. and i admit i was quite pleased that someone thought enough of me to do that. but at the same time i would see my friend and have to act like, i dont know, i guess i felt like a double agent. thou i wasnt doing that. i even told x that i would help x out if i ever could, but i never meant at the expense of anyone else’s feelings. does any of this make sense?
i wrote some poems, i wont say theyre stupid or silly cause i wont apoligize to anyone for what i write. for what i might say yes. but for what i write, no. someone found them and read them and confronted me about them. and i lied about it. later on i admitted it to the person that found them but never to my friend. i didnt think i had to. like i said nothing ever happened and i was never going to try to make anything happen. it was just a silly little crush that i thought i was to old to experience but it was what it was. its gone now. and if it would have been left alone it would have been the end of it. the friend was told about it by the one who found the poems. it should have been left alone. that person had enough on their plate to deal with without one more stupid thing. and now i feel guilty. and im not sure what for. for a feeling that came and passed. for something i really couldnt do anything about. for something that started before i knew who x was. for something i never intended to do anything about and for something that never amounted to anything, regardless of what anyone thinks they saw.
i dont know if im supposed to feel remorse or guilt or penitent or what. i guess i feel i did something wrong or i wouldnt be sitting here at ten to 5 in the am writing this.
all this did was add extra misery to the life of a friend that i never thought i deserved in the first place. i dont know what i deserve. im still trying to figure that out.
but it all started with me walking thru a building and a sideways glance at the people around me. ill take the blame and the responsibility. yeah i know, what kind of a way is this to take responsibility for something? writing it out on a blog. ha. its the best i can do.
im very sorry for any unnessecary pain i have caused anyone and if i could make everything in your life right i would with a snap of my fingers. but honestly now that i think about it i feel like laughing at how silly it was to feel anything for x. and i wish it had never happened. and i just want to wash my hands of the whole thing and forget about it.
and now im gonna have a cigarette and work up the nerve to push the "publish entry" button.
half done the cig and i just read this back to myself. its all ive got to say and i cant explain it any better than that. i wish i had better words to express how bad i feel about this, but i guess the best thing i can do is just hit the publish button and go to bed.
I hope you love me
And that you care
I hope you will understand
If I am not always there
I hope you do not believe
Everything I say
I hope God hates me
And leaves me alone today.